I’ve always had the idea that I was grown differently, that I didn’t necessarily want the same things other people wanted. I put a lot on hold because I thought, one day I will get to a point when I want to settle down, start a family and all those typical stuff. I guess I am different because I don’t want the same stuff. I see things in a way that I think a lot of people struggle to. Anyway, I felt young enough to follow my dreams…
I want to build an empire, leave behind a legacy and look after my family so they would never need to struggle or think twice to get anything they want. Last night I had one of those, brain farts, I believe they call it. I guess I’ve changed my perception just a little bit.
Let’s first dive into the issues… I am independent to a fault, and that is not just my own observation, it is something I’ve been told by one too many people. I struggle to except help and I am so guarded that I never allow others to lend a hand.
I was seeing a guy a long time ago, he used to get upset that I never texted him to say I made it home safely, or that I never leaned on him for anything. Now in my mind, I thought I’m a great ‘girlfriend’ because I wasn’t needy or dependent. I thought that having him in my life because I wanted him there, and not because I needed him there, was enough. He felt… somewhat worthless. I never really got that. But he went further and said that something could happen to him, and I wouldn’t even notice. That my days will continue running as smoothly as before I met him.
And that wasn’t true at all! He mattered. But now that I think back, I never gave him any inclination to just how much he meant to me. And I realise that I am like that with my friends as well! Girl friends of mine have complained that I never just show up to their houses, as they do at mine. I never call or text them with vent sessions and troubles I may have, and again, I never felt that I needed to do that. Especially not to prove the importance of having them in my life.
What I, again, failed to realise, is that those little things allow people in. Into my mind, into my personal space, into a part of my life that other people are not privy to, and to me, I never wanted to ‘bother’ them with it. I’ve lost a good couple of friends because I wouldn’t allow them into the deeper parts of my mind.
I’m a silent sufferer, at best. I self-soothe and I depend on me, my family and did I mention myself? I had another friend, we were seeing each other for a couple months and he started getting way too involved at work. We hardly spent quality time together and when we did, he would still be distracted with work.
It got to a point where we were not even speaking and I took the mature decision to call things off. His plead was that he wanted to be so financially stable that we would build a life of luxury in the future. My argument was that by focussing so much on the future, we were losing the present. We were not creating quality memories, we were not getting to know each other, we were just at different points in our lives and completely missing each other. I remember asking him “What’s the point of having it ALL in the end when you have nobody to share it with?”
You could have all the success in the world, all the fame and fortune you can conjure up, but when you get there, and you’re all alone, everyone who’s ever loved you is married and living a life you never took the time to understand or partake in… will it be worthwhile? He couldn’t answer me, partly because it was a valid question and partly because he could only see the successful, wealthy end-goal he was chasing.
Coming back to the brain fart… Let me paint a picture of where my life is right now. I have dedicated my entire attention to the following:
Work – I recently started a new role at an almost five year career in the financial industry. It has been extremely overwhelming and takes up almost all of my time each day.
Blog- My first official company listing. I am still blogging and focussing heavily on this for the past few years. It’s been well over a decade and probably heading on to the second.
Brand- I recently enrolled my second company and starting up a new company, being the sole stakeholder and designer, the marketer, everything… let me just say, it’s no joke!
Photography- I have done photography for as long as I can remember and it still ignites something in me that I hope you guys have experienced in your lives. When you do something that just feels like the right fit. Doing what you believe you were meant to do.
Social Club- It’s been a few years now since running the events company and it has been a place of solitude and fun as it brings together an amazing group of people and a place for us to share experiences.
All the above companies have already brought me more joy than I can express and my creative side has been booming over the last years because the thing with creativity is that there is no real end. We design our own future.
Family- The thing about family is that we are all living life. Together and also separately. The natural dynamic of a family is a mom, a dad, and for some, kids. I believe these days that dynamic is no longer just that. But what is apparent is that you have each other, but each of those kids branches off and creating yet another dynamic family. What I did not want to realise is that our parents don’t live forever. With my dad passing, it was hard. I couldn’t see past that almost. And refuse to even give any thought to my mom no longer being around. We could dedicate our lives to them, but we should do that while building our own.
I haven’t done that at all. I realise now that if my mom were to pass, my sister were to get married… it would just be me.
Now, looking at the above, I FINALLY realised that I have become my ex. I became obsessed with building a life for the future that I put everything else on hold. Every person that has shown an interest in me, I’ve turned away. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t interested. I just wasn’t in the same mindset.
Most of the guys who pursued me are now married or engaged. I never wanted that typical life, I wanted to chase my dreams, see to my family and there are still a bunch of uncertainties that lie ahead and that excites me. But someone really smart told me this…
One day, you are going to find yourself, finally ready to settle down, stop focussing on the work, the businesses, the travel, the empire, etc.’ BUT there will be nobody there waiting for you. You cannot blame them, you cannot make them return. You cannot expect that people will simply put their lives on hold until you finally feel ready.
All the good suiters your age would have already been taken and none of the stuff you’ve worked so hard for will seem worth it. Because you will have all of that, and nobody to share it with.
The more I think about it, the more it scares me. If I were to ask for a show of hands how many people my past rejections or past decisions have affected, it would be a couple too many! I thought about posting this, so many times today alone, but here it is…raw, open and honest. Because I know so many people that are living their lives the way that I have been.
I don’t want you to make the mistakes that I am still making because I’ve been somehow awakened to these thoughts, and somewhat seems my duty to share. So now you have it. I cannot make you live differently after reading this, I cannot warn you any more than I already have. My only hope from this is that you are happy, that you are aware of your actions and that if not, you make the changes today!
It’s important to note that we only live once and that we only have this one opportunity to make it count. so do that.