I always believed that I needed to keep relationships or friendships that may not have been good for me, because I was strong enough to hold on, when they were visibly falling apart.
I fought against the idea of losing people and them being upset with me, was somehow enough for me to fall apart internally. It was like I went into a cycle of how I could fix it, even if I wasn’t the cause of these issues, never malicious intent, never destructive.
I’ve been transparent, for those who stuck around long enough to realize how true and dedicated I was to them. But also, how guarded I was…am. not because I want to be but because loss seems to cripple me!
I’m so guarded that I don’t allow people to truly see me. I keep everyone at a safe distance to never reveal too much about me or my life, holistically.
It’s been a decade since my dad died, and yet loss is still a struggle. But death is something that you learn to deal with, with a lot of time, patience and reassurance that not all is lost. You’re still alive, right?
Losing a person is somehow easier when they die, because you somehow sooth yourself believing they’re in a better place. But losing someone who is right there, yet your value is just withered… that is almost too hard to bare.
I went to a therapist after my dad, and it was a weird experience…
It’s like saying, out loud, the things you already had inside your mind, to a person judging what’s okay and what’s not. Makes you deal with the thoughts you so difficultly tried to keep internally and then making you feel as though you’re broken… that it will take years to ‘heal’ and become who you’re meant to be. But that it’s okay to be broken right now.
But I didn’t agree with that. These little pieces of me, is what makes me, ME. The pretty bits, the ugly bits and those little bits I never knew existed until they detached from the rest of me. I’ve grown to accept who I’ve become, and I’m not broken, I am just in a teething phase. Learning to adapt.
I’ve always been pretty good at intuitively knowing people and unfortunately it comes with good and bad consequences. I sometimes wish that I could turn off the intuition because I don’t always want to ‘feel’ when there is something wrong or notice those subtle changes in a person’s emotional state. Now I’ve retyped this post at least seven times because it just makes me sound a little crazy. But I notice things that others can either disregard or they miss completely.
Because of this, I always check of my friends and people I care for, because 99% of people would feel better if others just bothered to check on them when they’re not in a great place. People just need assurance that others SEE them, and that they’re not invisible. People DO CARE if you didn’t wake up tomorrow! They just don’t always show it.
I’ve had people ask me, how I knew there was something wrong, or they would get upset because they didn’t realise it was apparent and they’re not ready to deal with those things. And then I have others, who claims that I saved them. The thought of that little message to ask, “Are you okay?” being the deciding factor of someone’s’ mental state, is the craziest thing to me. Imagine how many people we could ‘save’ if we just listened or seen what is right there?!
But WHY WAS I SENSING THEM? I didn’t ask to care this much! I have wanted to turn off my ‘feelings’ more often than I care to admit, but have you ever tried not to feel? The therapist mentioned that I have a lion personality, that it is my nature to care and protect. That it is engraved in me to want to help others. But isn’t there a limit to it, just so that I may keep some sort of sanity?
I do want to help others. I truly feel it is my purpose in life, but a lion also needs a little bit of care. As the saying goes, “Superheroes need saving sometimes, too”.
I’m learning to let go.
Because how can I give light to others if my own light is dimming?
But what I’ve learnt is that when you’re always the lion, people don’t realise that sometimes you’re not strong, or healthy, or happy. But they so used to being cared for by you, that they stop asking how you are.
And if you carry on long enough, even that doesn’t matter.
I’ve broken the bank on friends that has never done anything for me in return or even showed an atom of appreciation. I’ve been there for people who don’t even have my back, instead they discuss my struggles and display a sense of joy that I’m also going through something!
I have never done for others with the intention of receiving anything in return but relationships are a two-way stream. Give and Take. What do you call it when one gives to much and the other simply takes?
Is it really worth saving friendships that makes you feel used, unappreciated and constantly hurt?
If that is friendship today, then I want no part in it!
I’m letting go of you and in that, setting myself free.
Goodbye to ‘friends’ that so easily use others.
Goodbye to ‘friends’ who I’ve spoilt and celebrated that hasn’t even wished me for my birthday!
Goodbye to ‘friends’ who need to put me down, to feel uplifted.
Goodbye to ‘friends’ who I thought were FRIENDS.
If not for you, deserving, but for my peace.
Also not sure who has to hear this… but
I’m sorry if I hurt you, know that it was unintentional.
I’m sorry if I didn’t see you, when you were hiding.