Imagine meeting someone, not really knowing where it could lead; But then, with time… spending every day together, experiencing things you never expected to experience with them by your side and one day, you realize you’ve built a friendship, a bond so strong that I guess only you two truly know the depth of.
It’s like EVERYONE sees it, some even question it but the fear of rejection, or humiliation or even more so… the fear of losing that person as a friend forces you to be too guarded… to be… just friends.
To never explore what both seems to have thought about…risking a bond that has grown to be better than you ever thought it could be and then you add some distance and a little time and you realize what you were so fearful of has become your reality.
They’re gone! Simply out of you life..
Never truly had the chance to say goodbye. Slowly the texts stop, the phone calls and the “ I miss you, please visit” texts also just seize to exist! And then for some reason, the universe gives you the burning desire to have closure.
I watched a video the other day. There was a guy reacting to two people. He was somewhat deciphering whether the two people (Natalie and David) actually secretly had a thing for each other, but using their body language and their natural responses to how they interact with each other. And he said something that made me think… he said… neither one of them had it in them, to make the first move. Like their actual design as people would not allow it! They were simply not built to do that! Now that sounds pretty simple and minor, but I just realized how many people go through life hoping the other person will make the first move… risk it all, and have the guts to say it. Very rarely are we bold enough to actually put our hearts on the line because rejection or the unfavourable response might actually cripple us.
Have you ever had to pretend you don’t want something… or someone? Somehow you thought it was the best thing to do and even talked them into the person they’re with right now?!
Is it normal that we break our own hearts and try to find the reasoning behind it as if we’re still trying to convince ourselves that it’s the best thing to do?
It might all be in my head, but there were so many moments throughout our friendship where to me it felt as though he was asking certain questions or making certain statements in hopes that I will make my feelings more clearly known, and with that, it wouldn’t be as bold a step if he actually made a move. But I shut it down every time 🤦🏽♀️
Speaking about the girl he wasn’t sure about… “We don’t speak the way that you and I do” I could have had a way better response but I pushed him to give it a little more time.
Hearing him say that both warmed my heart and broke my heart at the same time. I wish I said “it’s because we have something special” that maybe he shouldn’t pursue her. But I could never do that or even bring myself to say it out loud.
Another thing that kept me from exploring what could have been… is that being with me, would require him to change so much, there were so many things he would have to adapt to and I could never expect that of him, nor would I want him to change anything… for me. But now seeing how she’s changed him… kinda makes me reassess my decision to some extent.
So many people came up to us every single day… even now, some still ask…. why did we not make any effort for ‘us’ to see where things could go. It’s like our feelings were more apparent to everyone else but somehow we never saw it.
I’m not expecting anything to happen from this, I’m not expecting anything to change… I guess writing this was important to me in some realm. I think there is a part of me that wonders if any of the things I felt or noticed were actually real or if it was all in my head.
There is also a really big part of me that wishes we never lost what we had, just the friendship.
For the longest time, I thought he was ‘settling’. That he’s choosing who has chosen him and not what he would have chosen for himself. But they say “In life, you get to a sense of maturity when you realize the difference between what you need and what you want, and it leads you to a different kind of happiness completely”.
Quarantine has made me revisit so many friendships I’ve had, made me realise that over time a lot can change, but also that the little things I choose to do daily can affect a lot more if I don’t give it some mind.
I do not regret or resent any decisions I’ve made in life, because I’ve learnt so much. I would never have been able to learn the things I have from books or other peoples stories because experience teaches so much more. The decisions I’ve made in the past led me to a greater understanding of my own fears… things I feel I need to heal from.
But this post is purely to encourage you all to not only have the courage to express yourself more clearly but to at least find a sense of accomplishment even if what you try does not work out the way that you hoped. Many people fear rejection and I’m not going to sit here and sugar-coat life, make you believe that you won’t get rejected. Because YOU WILL. But that shouldn’t stop you from taking risks because one day… someday… you will not be rejected and fate will lead you to who you’re meant to be with in the end.
Life is strange, it sometimes breaks us down, to build a better part of us. It rejects certain things because there is something better in store… or it takes us from things we think we want, to move us onto something we need. I have so much to share about the miracles of life. There are so many times in life where I was so upset things didn’t go as I hoped it would, but in the end, I realise why it never did and many times I’m surprised at what I actually got and how it turned out better than I ever imagined.
Trust the process
Believe in the Devine timing
Take risks and Have courage
Got get ’em!